LIST #3 is called The Postcard of the Month tasks were accomplished

11-14-25

Some goals are reached / some appointments are kept / some milestones remain out of reach.

I woke up in San Francisco yesterday, in preparation for a day’s worth of imaging appointments and implanting the surgical guide (magseed). We had coffee and tea from a café near the beach. The ocean was completely obscured by clouds, “It’s raining cats and dogs.” Sean said. I carried the coffees and toast back to the hotel and the rain started composting all the cups and carriers. We laughed and drank the luxurious hot drinks from the melting paperware. 

Earlier this week I cried a bucket of tears when I found out that my surgery would be canceled due to a UC medical workers strike. Rescheduled for three weeks from the previous date, I was now still a month away from getting the first part of my treatment complete. (It’s back on the calendar for December 9^th)  All of the periphery dates will change too – I’ll go back to work next week despite planning on being gone. Instead of planning recovery for these three weeks, I’ll continue to be in anticipatory mode. This is one more circumstance leading me to experience cognitive dissonance: I want the workers to get paid enough to live in San Francisco and at the same time I want to keep my scheduled surgery and not have to change everything again that I had planned. Mine is a post-pone-able procedure and I know there are folks whose cancelled surgeries are even more urgent. Yet, right now, every night feels like the night before surgery.

(side note: I just learned that canceled and cancelled are both correct spellings)

We drove home from San Francisco in the rain. The storms are the only way to see a double rainbow.

Shout out to everyone who has given assistance through the GoFundMe! The relief this has offered us is not quantifiable. We’ve paid our bills and been able to not add any more debt despite the loss of income from working so much less over these past several months. My gratitude is boundless! I’ve also been granted other financial support I want to highlight here in my effort to let people know resources to share. 

First is a fellowship from the Artists Fellowship  . The application was straightforward, it just required some time, some writing, and some documentation of my financial situation. If you are reading this and want to know more just ask and I’m happy to share my experience and give you tips on preparing your application. The second is assistance and resource referrals from UCSF social workers. I requested a meeting with a social worker, which we did via zoom. She assessed my need and situation and was able to offer subsidized hotel stays for my visits to SF as well as gas cards to offset the cost of transportation. It was so helpful to me to have someone book rooms for my appointments and know that we would have some gas money. I would not have known to ask for this if it weren’t for asking people’s advice for going into surgery. Each new friend who shares something with me teaches me a better question to ask.

I am lucky that when I am at UCSF it feels like everything is operating with complete precision. And there is so much art in the cancer center building. I spent hours in waiting rooms yesterday staring at beautiful flowers made from leather, porcelain, thread and paper and a watercolor painting that had watery transparent moths. The robes and blankets came out of a warming unit ready to embrace me despite the damp grey sky. And when I left for the day it felt like progress had been made and I could go home to rest until the future milestone is ready to meet me on my next visit.

10-30-25

The shape of fear and grief is ever changing

An entirely new field of appointments have been made and now I can see them all on a calendar of the next month. I have a surgery scheduled and have opted for a lumpectomy after which I will do a course of radiation therapy. I’m going to do surgery at UCSF so there will be some traveling to do. After my meeting with the surgeon at UCSF I wanted to take a walk since we had been in the small pod of the car for three hours and then the small pod of the exam room for another hour. I knew that the Linea Caffe roastery was close, so we walked over to get a coffee before grabbing lunch and doing the drive home. When we walked in we were so surprised to see Rose and John two friends from the days Sean and I worked at Blue Bottle. Rose lead me to the bulletin board in the back of the roastery telling the crew in the back and pointing at me “this is the postcard machine”. the bulletin board was covered with years’ worth of postcards! Thank you, Andrew, for being a subscriber all this time. What a total treat. Kate says it was an omen.

I was in San Francisco again this week, on Monday morning, and had a short but productive doctor appointment in preparation for my surgery. I left UCSF and drove to Sacramento to meet Sean at John’s side. John’s last breath fell, and we spent the afternoon there. It’s already Thursday today, the days and the chores have gone so quickly. It didn’t feel real to be leaving John’s memory care home for the last time yesterday with all the furniture and clothing. Maybe it’s not the last time you leave someplace every time you think it’s the last time. Grief is not easy. We have been experiencing grief for years because of John’s decline into Alzheimer’s. The finality of this version of grief reveals itself in different ways.

My medical leave from work will begin on November 13^th. (Surgery is scheduled for Nov. 18^th) Each doctor says rest is the way to heal quickest, and I have no reservations about taking the rest of the semester off to heal well and then undergo radiation treatments. I am still surprised that it has taken this long to get started with the medical interventions. I was scared in August, scared in September but the fear (like grief) has taken a new shape now that there is a plan in place, now that there are less decisions. The fear is softer and the surgical team reflects that fear toward me with their confidence. The doctor on Monday said “We would think it weird if you were not afraid, and we are not afraid.”

I continue to talk to people one on one about their cancer experiences and I find this a therapeutic way of moving forward. Each story has a different silhouette, a different map forward, different outcomes and results. My gratitude for hearing these stories helps motivate me to write down what I’m thinking in an effort to get at whatever it is I am feeling.

Oh! …and our gratitude continues for everyone’s kind financial support: we have purchased a lot of gasoline, of course the van broke down on the day we needed two vehicles most, and the dishwasher was a total goner so we got a completely new one to replace it. All the glasses are clean as a whistle and I can wash everything after using all of the bowls and cups in the house to make soup and chocolate chip cookies, those consumable healers of our bodies and souls. THANK YOU thank you THANK YOU.

PS. My book continues to reach new people, and Nancy interviewed me for our local NPR station. Listen here if you like:

https://www.mynspr.org/show/nancys-bookshelf/2025-10-09/nancys-bookshelf-four-seasons-in-antarctica

9-25-25

Both/And, Appointments

The power was out for six hours on Monday night. 6-11pm, the hours I get to spend at home. It was 98 degrees outside, it must have been in the high 80’s inside. The lingering daily heat cooks the plants and trees and warms the gardenias up so much that their smell becomes an invisible cloud to walk through, like the feeling of a wave of warm water in a cold pool. I walk past the gardenias at work on my way to the parking ramp, since I’ve been driving to work instead of riding my bike. Two good reasons for it: first, to have more time at home with Sean and Jolie in the morning and afternoons. Second, because I don’t recover from the hot ride when it’s still almost 100 each day. Although I prefer to ride my bike to work, on principle, I have been completely delighted that my commute takes me six minutes and that I’m arriving home just as fast. 

Appointments have been attended, and new appointments have been made. On the day of my MRI I also had a flat tire. It’s never one thing or another it’s always both/and. I experience claustrophobia, so accomplishing a half an hour inside a tube surrounded by loud magnets always feels like a very big accomplishment, and a sense of huge relief. The results of the imaging tell us that my cancer is not on both sides and is still only the spot initially detected via mammography. This is great news, we take everything we can get! My genetic tests also revealed that my genes are “NEGATIVE No clinically significant variants detected”.

Now that we have this information, I have been able to get a few appointments on the calendar for the next two weeks. Since my cancer is treatable by lumpectomy and radiation, I have a lot of questions about radiation. So, I’ll meet with a radiation oncologist next week. Second is an appointment at UCSF to get a second opinion. It’s planned for mid-October but I’m calling every day to attempt to get in sooner. I am eager to get a surgery scheduled and begin the process. Third appointment on the calendar is to place radio frequency ID tags around the tumor. This way the surgery will be radio frequency guided. It’s wild! These things will reside in my body until they take them out along with the removal of the cancer.  The illustration on the computer stand at the surgeon’s office is also WILD, but funny (?):

I still have no symptoms other than the imaging and biopsy results. I’ve found so much comfort in hearing from people and have had several one-on-one conversations with those who have offered to talk to me about their own cancer and surgery experiences. It is nerve wracking to share this news to a wider community amidst the great joy of my book landing on bookshelves! I’d prefer to just have the joy. Again, it’s both/and. And, since I have benefitted so greatly from others sharing their stories, I’m hoping these small missives will pay it forward too.

Sean’s dad continues an ever more rapid decline and will begin to be cared for via hospice this week. We spent Sunday visiting him, playing Lyle Lovett tunes and attempting to help him be comfortable, attempting to understand what he is communicating. 

Though Sean is on the phone everyday with doctors and nurses and family members he was still was able to join me Tuesday at The Bookstore to make a toast to the newest title on their shelf:

A few of friends and some of my new cancer cohort crew members encouraged me to let people create a place to donate in order to help us out. Of course it feels hard and weird but since Katie started the gofundme two weeks ago, it has been a huge relief to know that there is gas money for trips to Sacramento (we literally went to the ER in Sac for Sean’s dad the day that the fundraiser started) and to know I can just call the service tech to get the dishwasher fixed without waiting for next month’s paycheck. So, THANK YOU to everyone for sending us this relief and support. It is definitely helping pay the bills. The dishwasher was fixed for ONE HOUR before it gave an error message, so the last appointment made for the week was a second service visit by a dishwasher tech…

9/8/25

The peaches were so good the week I learned I have cancer. I picked a huge bucket of them from a tree across town, ate my fill, then froze the rest. The biopsy was in July and it’s been over a month since that test. How many cancer cells can cancer make in a month? Since then, I turned 48. My body feels very similar to the way it felt before I knew, but my mind is riddled with fear. I’ve had to say my birthdate a thousand times at each appointment: 8-1-77. The visit notes from the doctor office the next week said “The patient is a pleasant 49-year-old.” The fear made me age a whole year in one day.

My cancer is treatable and non-invasive which means it has not spread. The official type is ductal carcinoma in-situ (DCIS). The current diagnosis puts it in stage 0. The radiologist and the general practitioner tried to be cheerful and tell me this is good news. I still spent a week feeling sorry for myself and eating potato chips in the triple digit heat. I can never stick to a strict food plan during those long unrelenting heatwaves that come around my birthday.

I have found that telling people I have cancer is just the worst. (0/10 stars) When I say the word cancer and I’m talking about me, I see an ancient fear in the other person’s eyes. But I feel compelled to share this news with a wider group of people who are far away. I think because I would want to know if you were experiencing a big crisis too. This amidst the cultural crisis of our times, amidst the endless bad-news-cycle, amidst the loss of our rights, amidst the loss of much.

I’ve included a FAQ below for the most asked questions I’ve gotten so far, though I’m sure they don’t cover everything. I plan to post updates here for family and friends who are far away, I’m hoping for a drawing or a photo or two to make it up here too.  We’ll see what I feel like while I await the time to click away, for that moment when I can pull those peaches out of the freezer and taste the summertime I’d have preferred instead of the one that 2025 served to me.

FAQ

What kind of cancer, prognosis, treatment are we talking about?

I have DCIS which stands for Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. This means that the cancer is non-invasive and thus far they think it is contained inside the duct. This also means there is the chance that it has not spread and is very localized. I had genetic testing done to find out if I have gene mutations positive for breast cancer and it came back negative. This is a small win and means the risk of future breast cancer is smaller. I still must have another MRI to confirm that there are no other spots that are concerning. All the tests are scheduled for the next few weeks. After those I should (or I hope?) to be able to get an idea of which kind of surgery(s) are/is recommended and what the options are for combinations of surgery and other treatments. Until we know these things, this is a true mental health marathon. From my perspective right now, once a treatment plan is suggested I aim to get a second opinion to ensure all the bases are covered. I’ll try to update this page as I learn more and when I feel emotionally ready to share those plans more widely. I’m relieved to have a single place to update our friends and family who are far away…so thank you in advance for checking updates here.

How is Sean?

He is hanging on! He accompanies me to all the big appointments and of course is recording them so we can listen back to understand and remember what was said. As some of you know his dad, John, lived with us in our home for the better part of 2022 and 2023 because he needed 24-hour supervision and much care since he has Alzheimer’s. John is in memory care in Sacramento now but Sean over sees his services and care and is on the phone most days with John’s caretakers, doctors, or other providers. John has started declining more rapidly in the last two months and requires assistance with every aspect of daily life, so Sean is highly involved. We are in a caretaking ERA.

What about your book? (!)

The book is coming out on September 23, 2025! Yes, a few plans have had to be postponed. Once I am able, I’ll be happy to share the book and it’s stories and drawings in a more personal way through exhibitions and events. I’m trying my best to be grateful that I will get to see the book exist and have it to celebrate during my convalescing period, instead of thinking about being disappointed that I need to cancel and postpone my shows and events. I’m certain that I will feel happy and excited that human people will get to have the physical thing in their hands while I am undergoing whichever treatment(s) are necessary. We will do a show and book event at Happy Anyway in Portland, OR and we’ll do a fun book party here in Chico at The Bookstore. All the dates are TBD. 

What can I do?

For the love of life: make your art, write your songs, read your poems, raise your kids, walk your dogs and send us pictures and haikus for morale boosts as often as you like. For now, I can take texts and emails and dms happily but I might not be able to respond to every one of them. Just know that your kind notes are life-affirming! Also, if you have my number and you text me but we haven’t corresponded by phone since 2019 please include your name or a distinguishing story because I lost all my phone contacts that year and have been rebuilding them ever since.

Friends who are close by: I’ll let you know when I will be taking leave or having surgery and we’ll do a meal train. 

Friends who are far: So many of you have offered to help with expenses and we really appreciate it. We accept. Yes, you can buy us dinner, make sure we have the dough for the incidentals and out of pocket costs that have already affected our budget: gas money for my doctor visits and trips to Sacramento to see John, extra copays, missing work and turning down jobs and gigs, gear for recovering from surgery, and for things we can’t imagine yet. Here is a link to a GoFundMe that BFF has put together for us.

Michelle Ott is an artist whose art and illustrations focus on observations of the physical and social world. Her work has been exhibited and published in the US and abroad. She has received several awards, including the Antarctica Service Medal for her work as support staff at McMurdo Station over four summer seasons. Since 2018 she has illustrated a new postcard each month via her Postcard Machine postcard-of-the-month (they all go out via USPS in a red envelope.) Michelle is represented by Alyssa Jennette at Stonesong

CV

Title illustration for short film by Brandon Loper.

Description from Vimeo: Unwieldy Beast tells the story of Gary Frank Skaggs and his unique piano, which happens to be set atop a three-wheeled bicycle. St. Frankenstein, as it is so aptly named, is a rare combination of bicycle wheels and piano strings and was literally resurrected by Skaggs and given a new life as an unwieldy beast roaming through San Francisco. The film features all original music from Skaggs, as he pedals ever so slowly, in and out of tune, through the streets of San Francisco.

Watch the movie here.